Thursday, June 01, 2017
I was reading in my last year's journal this morning about a dream I had one year ago today. I was hiding in the linen closet with a pillow in front of me to hide from a man who is coming to judge me for something that I'd supposedly done wrong. But I didn't feel like I was guilty, but I was fearful. I waited a long time and I used that time to just be with Jesus. Then I got out of the closet to apologize to a Mexican man that I had offended. Once I did that I was no longer afraid of the judge or of being judged and when the judge arrived, I intentionally and cheerfully greeted him and waited for the judgment to come, but it never did.
As I pondered this dream, it spoke to me exactly where I am: hiding from others judgments, but a soft hiding, indicated by the pillow. That soft hiding shows up in that I try to make myself look good to others and even hide my issues from myself. Also I realize that apology dispells judgment as does truth or at the very least frees me from my fear of rejection. It takes being with Jesus to release me as a captive of fear. Also there is truth about if I don't judge others to feel better about myself, I don't feel judged. Isn't that what Matthew 7:1 is all about?
So Jesus I just need you to help me walk all this out in my life today. I see that over the last year you have been making me more aware of where I do judge others and that the root of that is I'm really judging myself so I judge others to make myself feel better. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to believe the best about people, and see that they're doing the best they can. I want to offer grace and compassion and love instead of criticism, judgment and negativity. I want to sow love so I can reap love. The way I can do this is to remain in your love and receive your love so that I can love myself as you love me and then love others as you love me.